So, I was scrolling through my FB feed when all of a sudden, I see that someone shared the article 18 Ugly Truths About Modern Dating That You Have To Deal With, by Christopher Hudspeth at Thought Catalog. When I read it through the first time, I felt as if the article did a good job informing people about the miseries of dealing with the opposite sex in a real talk kind of way. So, lets see what happens when UPB is applied to the 18 steps. I would also like to note that my responses are suggestions that I've noticed have irked for me, but they should not be taking as absolute. I present these examples merely to counter the absolutism of some of the following "truths".
Part 1: 1-9:
1."The person who cares less has all the power. Nobody wants to be the one who’s more interested."
Lets redefine this point in distilled logical terms.
"All people who care the least in a relationship [C] are people who hold all the power in that relationship [P]."
"No people who want to be in a relationship [R] are people who want to care the most in a relationship [-C]."
All C are P
All R are C
Therefore: All R are P
This argument leads to the logical conclusion that all people that are in relationships are people who want to have all the power in the relationship. The problem with Hudspeth's conclusion is that not all people want to hold all the power in a relationship. These people who do are otherwise understood to be psychopaths. Psychopaths, as a working definition, are people without empathy that see other people as a means to an ends rather than as another human with their own needs and desires. By defining the most successful people in relationships as psychopaths, Hudspeth also identifies non-psychopaths as people who chose to stay in relationships with another person who holds all the power despite also being people who want all the power in a relationship. Maning, they don't get what they want, but choose to stay regardless. I'll come back to this point, but let's move to #2.
2. "Because we want to show how cavalier and blasé we can be to the other person, little psychological games like‘Intentionally Take Hours Or Days To Text Back’ will happen. They aren’t fun."
I agree with Chris, the waiting game (as I call it) is no fun at all. In the next couple of days, I plan to write a post about my views on texting, but for now let's focus on why these games are great practice for UPB. If I am about to start a business with someone, I would want to be able to contact him whenever I have any questions. I would ask when he would be available to schedule a phone call or meeting and offer him the same as well. Let's transfer the business analogy over to the context of a relationship/people interested in dating or hooking up.
Now, I understand that this blog post is not going to change male-female dynamics in the slightest. Instead, the reason why UPB provides an answer to any confusion or frustration that can occur as a result of games. If I'm going to pursue any kind of romantic relationship, whether its short or long term, I expect to be able to contact the girl without having to figure out what's going on on her end. If she is trying to play the game with me, all I need to do is simply refuse to play the game. This can be achieved by scheduling a meet up in the shortest number of texts possible (if you still want to meet with a time waster). You can also ignore her text and move on with your life and find another girl. Finally, try losing the game on purpose. People tend to not want to play the same game with someone who simply doesn't care if they win or lose. That's why I've given up trying to get my roommate to start playing Pokémon.
Now, I understand that this blog post is not going to change male-female dynamics in the slightest. Instead, the reason why UPB provides an answer to any confusion or frustration that can occur as a result of games. If I'm going to pursue any kind of romantic relationship, whether its short or long term, I expect to be able to contact the girl without having to figure out what's going on on her end. If she is trying to play the game with me, all I need to do is simply refuse to play the game. This can be achieved by scheduling a meet up in the shortest number of texts possible (if you still want to meet with a time waster). You can also ignore her text and move on with your life and find another girl. Finally, try losing the game on purpose. People tend to not want to play the same game with someone who simply doesn't care if they win or lose. That's why I've given up trying to get my roommate to start playing Pokémon.
3. "A person being carefree because they have zero interest in you looks exactly like a person being carefree because they think you’re amazing & are making a conscious effort to play it cool. Good luck deciphering between the two."
This point is absolutely false. If someone walked out of a theater feeling just as happy after watching a bad movie (Jack and Jill) as they are after watching a good movie (The Shawshank Redemption) then I'm going to guess that person's happiness is unaffected by movies in general. With regards to interest and relationships, carefree with zero interest would be a detached individual while carefree and invested would result in the open and vulnerable individual. These two options are like doughnuts: either they have a hole or they don't, there is no middle ground and you can clearly see it.
4. "Making phone calls is a dying art. Chances are, most of your relationship’s communication will happen via text, which is the most detached, impersonal form of interaction. Get familiar with those emoticon options."
This is true only if you make it so. The best thing about communication is that both people have to agree to an easily accessible means of communication. If I wanted to talk to someone from Germany, we would either need to speak in English or German, otherwise we're not going to get that far. The same is true about texting. If a girl is texting me and I just don't want to text, I can let her know that I prefer talking over the phone, using iChat, or insisting that we only talk in person. These three are perfectly viable options and there are more that I'm sure you can think of.
The reason people say that you "have to" text is that texting requires the least amount of effort and is an efficient use of time. That said, you can avoid text if you simply explain your communication preference to the other person when you exchange numbers. Now, it could end up the case that the other person refuses your preference, in which case you would need to decide whether this person is worth communicating with or not.
5. "Set plans are dead. People have options and up-to-the-minute updates on their friends (or other potential romantic interests) whereabouts thanks to texts & social media. If you aren’t the top priority, your invitation to spend time will be given a “Maybe” or “I’ll let you know” and the deciding factor(s) will be if that person has offers more fun/interesting than you on the table."
I know that accidents happen. That said, if I am supposed to meet with someone, then I have voluntarily given up my precious time to spend it with that person. If someone is going to waste my time by constantly flaking and rescheduling meetings, then I'm not going to keep setting up meeting with that person. In addition, I suspect that if you I were to run late to a meeting with one of these people, I would never hear the end of it from that individual. Respect means being were you promised to be when you promised to be there.
Aaron Clarey (a.k.a. CaptainCapitalism) wrote in his book Bachelor Pad Economics that there is a 50% chance that a girl will reciprocate your desires to meet up on a date. In addition, there is a 30% chance that she will show up on a date, making the probability of the likelihood of a girl you just met meeting up on a date at about 15%.
What this means is that if there is only a 15% chance that any girl will agree to go on a date/meet up with you, then you should be completely sure that you would even want to risk wasting your time with this girl in the first place. One way that you can increase the likelihood that the girl will show up (since attraction is the girl's own personal preference that cannot be changed externally) is to find out is she's a reliable person to begin with. Ask questions about her life such as what her major is/was to figure out if the girl has a the ability to explore delayed gratification rather than pursue immediate gratification since the latter would be more likely to decide to not show up on a whim.
Also, hold people to their promises and explain the importance of a promise. If someone shows up late or not at all when you first are starring to get to know them, that's a sign that this person is unreliable and will likely continue this behavioral pattern once they no longer need to be polite or try to impress you.
Aaron Clarey (a.k.a. CaptainCapitalism) wrote in his book Bachelor Pad Economics that there is a 50% chance that a girl will reciprocate your desires to meet up on a date. In addition, there is a 30% chance that she will show up on a date, making the probability of the likelihood of a girl you just met meeting up on a date at about 15%.
What this means is that if there is only a 15% chance that any girl will agree to go on a date/meet up with you, then you should be completely sure that you would even want to risk wasting your time with this girl in the first place. One way that you can increase the likelihood that the girl will show up (since attraction is the girl's own personal preference that cannot be changed externally) is to find out is she's a reliable person to begin with. Ask questions about her life such as what her major is/was to figure out if the girl has a the ability to explore delayed gratification rather than pursue immediate gratification since the latter would be more likely to decide to not show up on a whim.
Also, hold people to their promises and explain the importance of a promise. If someone shows up late or not at all when you first are starring to get to know them, that's a sign that this person is unreliable and will likely continue this behavioral pattern once they no longer need to be polite or try to impress you.
6. "Someone who hurt you isn’t automatically going to have bad karma. At least not in the immediate future. I know it only seems fair, but sometimes people cheat and betray and move on happily while the person they left is in shambles."
True, but my suggestion: don't date evil people. I don't mean to sound like an ass, but people will tell you exactly who they are if you talk to them and really listen to what they say. It typically takes one ore two conversations with a person to figure out what kind of person they are, all you have to do is ask. Read this article is you need some suggestions.
7. "The only difference between your actions being romantic and creepy is how attractive the other person finds you. That’s it, that’s all."
I totally agree. That said, if you are not interested, just say so. Ideally, be polite the first time you say it. I don't need you to stomp on my toe and throw water in my face because I said, "You look like you can move. Wanna dance?"
8. “Let’s chill” & “Wanna hang out?” are vague phrases that likely mean “let’s hookup” — and while you probably hate receiving them, they’re the common way to invite someone to spend time these days, and appear to be here to stay."
Dear FILL-IN-BLANK,
I would like to meet with you at your earliest convenience. I enjoyed our conversation about WHATEVER and I would like to get to know your better. When works best for you this week?
Don't say this word for word, but if you put in a little more offer than 2-3 words you can convey many different ideas. That said, this is how I first met my ex-gf sober.
9. "Some people just want to hookup and if you’re seeking more than sex, they won’t tell you that they’re the wrong person for you. At least, not until after they score your prize. While human decency is ideal, honesty isn’t mandatory."
There are two kinds of people in the world: people who will tell you if they farted in the elevator and those who will deny it. Because the latter group exists, it is imperative that you confirm which kind of person someone is when confronted with that squeaky sneak.
On a serious note, you need to vet the person before you have sex with him or her. Ask questions about what they want and listen to their responses. If you feel like the person that you are talking to is lying then don't sleep with him or her. Lies tend to persist any all you are doing is rewarding the liar with sex.
There's more to the article, but this is all I have time for today. Check back later this week for part 2.
-T
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